bipolar366

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

Haven't made it to pottery this week due to meetings running long. Enjoying the new job, but also feeling overwhelmed. Frustrated by my lack of progress at the wheel; last week, I had a bad class, and then haven't been able to go back since. A bunch of my friends started taking pottery classes after I did, and they are all a billion times better than me already, which on the one hand is wonderful, because I love seeing my friends succeed, and on the other hand makes me want to quit because damn, why am I not better? I am far too critical of my own work, but at the same time, I want to do better, and I'm not learning anything, and my skills are slipping through my fingers. Literally, because clay.

Ugh. Brain is not doing so hot tonight, even though it's been a good week and tonight in particular included a wonderful gathering of friends.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted, crashing
Created: paranormal romance

I am fighting off a depression crash as best I can, particularly without meds. I've been struggling to create things, both pottery and writing, and I am stressed about tough situations for my friends and family. I am also struggling with patience and empathy and a friend acting in a way that feels very passive-aggressive. On top of that, I am dealing with professional envy about one of my friends who is also a writer. It is a rough place, in my brain.

I am going to focus on my writing and, tomorrow, on pottery, and keep taking it one minute at a time. That's all I can manage at the moment. I guess that's enough.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: anxious and crashing
Created: paranormal romance

Had a big bad thing happen at the new job. Wasn't my fault, but falls under my area, so I'm responsible. Stressed hard core over it, told Partner I was sure they were going to fire me, nearly in tears, definitely having the beginnings of an anxiety attack, but I kept pushing through it, pushing and pushing, and I've finally come to exhausted acceptance. Shit happens, this happened, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it, not with the mess I've been brought in to fix.

I never reached that point with the last way I tackled this career, not even after years and years, so that's something.

Had lunch yesterday with a dear friend, and we talked a lot about the portrayal of bipolar characters, especially in YA, and how their stories aren't told. She encouraged me to write about it myself, and I am; one of the main characters in the YA BFF and I have been working on the past couple years has bipolar.

Learned two members of my writing group are being brought in as professionals at this writing convention we're all attending later this year, and had a moment of terrible, destructive envy. Moved on.

I guess the lesson here is to just keep pushing through, and eventually I'll hit a point where I can move on. Not from the bipolar, of course, but from everything else.

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: paranormal romance

Still deeply depressed, but I have had a positive few days, mostly. Good times with friends, lots of time walking in nice weather. A ton of writing; I'm about 1/5 of the way through the current paranormal romance project (draft one), and it is a ton of fun to write. I finally sent it to BFF to read what I have so far, and she seems to like it.

The past couple days involved friends, as I said, and good food, and a pretty lake, and hockey, and gifts, and lots of pottery talk. Partner sent me a picture of the dog last night, because I love getting pictures of her when I'm away.

Depressed, but life is good. Trying to be positive and enjoy it.

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: paranormal romance

Things keep going wrong, and I don't have enough mental strength to deal with them without breaking. I did have a nice dinner with my sister and brother in law (and Partner), during which we watched the first two periods of the Blues game. I love hockey, and I love the way sister and brother in law love hockey. Particularly sister, who is the staff photographer for a local team.

Partner and I had a good day, and I spent a lot of time cuddling with the dog, and I got to laugh and relive private jokes with my family. Those are all good things. But not working is dragging me down, in part because it means no insurance and no insurance means no meds and other mental health treatment, and in part because, right or wrong, I take a great deal of my own self-worth from the fact I can provide for my family, but ever since my last big crash, I haven't been able to provide anything at all, even for myself, much less my family.

I am working on the last of the day's writing now, and watching the Relic, which is one of my favorite movies and books. Which is rare, for me to love both the book and the movie. The stories are very different, and both are incredibly satisfying. I remember watching the movie in theaters when it first came out, with one of my high school best-friends. It was quite an adventure, and we were suitably creeped out, which is also rare for me. (Though it was less rare back then, when I was young and not quite so jaded, I suppose.)

There's a scene in the movie where someone's head is cut off and you don't know it at first because of how they sit in the chair. We told her mom about it when she came to pick us up. We then stopped by my house so I could grab some stuff before spending the night at her place, and when we came out, her mom was sitting in the car at the exact same angle we described. It was a little scary and a lot wonderful. Her mom was pretty great. (Still is, I think, though I don't see either of them very often.)

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: pottery

Sister came with me to the pottery studio today. She got on well with my teacher, and seemed to enjoy watching my teacher throw new pieces while I trimmed a couple of my older pieces, and then glazed the oldest piece I have there. (It's probably a month or so old at this point; I keep forgetting it exists.)

Then we all met up some other friends, including Partner, for a trivia night to support math and science scholarships at a local school. It was a lot of fun, even though we didn't win. (I am terribly competitive, and dislike losing A LOT.) But even as I was having fun, I couldn't stop thinking about all the ways I fail. Depression is kicking my ass, and I hate it.

I am super bitter, too, and I hate that even more. Sister has managed to find new work, and I've been job hunting for fucking years now, and I have nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is either getting new jobs or promotions, and even if they aren't working in the careers of their dreams (and some of them are), they are at least supporting themselves and not being a burden on their families.

Fuck. I am so tired of being a failure.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: low, low, low, but slowly getting better
Created: a little more of the YA horror

I am still not in a great mental place. It has been a shit year so far, and we're only five days in. Last year was a shit year, too. As was 2014, and 2013, and 2012. Mostly because there have been so many deaths in the family, and I am really struggling to mourn and deal with stress and control the bipolar. (Attempt to control the bipolar, I guess.)

But today I made some things and did some things (I wrote, I cooked a good dinner, I spent a great deal of time cuddling with my dog and laughing at ridiculous things with Partner and checked in with a friend who is giving me so much support even while she's going through a terrible time herself).

I read a lot, and right now is no exception. I have (again) been frustrated by the way people throw around ableist slurs in otherwise really excellent books. People are "crazy," a situation is "bipolar," a man is dangerous because he is "a madman". I am infuriated.

I also really hate the trope that goes: Character is crazy! (Hears voices, sees things, whatever.) OMG NO, Character is NOT crazy, Character is magic! All is well!

You can be crazy and have skills, too. You can be crazy and still be a good person worth a good story. You can be crazy and still be a person.

I know I'll talk about this in more depth later.