bipolar366

Day 36

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: depressed
Created: YA horror

No update in part because I am still sick and still depressed, so everything is so much harder than it has to be, and in part because I started reading AFTERWORLDS by Scott Westerfeld, and ended up completely distracted by it. Finished today, and it is fantastic and wonderful, an absolute delight to read.

Day 37

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: depressed
Created: nada

But I am depressed, and I am sick (mostly, it is just a cold that has my sinuses all messed up, but I have this nasty cough that won't go away, makes my chest and throat hurt, and keeps both Partner and me awake half the night), and I'm finding it very hard to cling to the positives that happen. I know I'm dragging Partner down into a morass of terrible, and I am trying to avoid doing that, but it is hard to be positive at all. I keep trying, and I keep failing, and Partner shouldn't have to fight so hard to stay positive while I infect everything with my negativity. I'm spending a great deal of time by myself to avoid infecting other people (literally and metaphorically, at the moment), which is fine, because I am an introvert and generally enjoy the hell out of spending time alone, but I want to be less negative and less bitter, and I can't find my way out of it.

The dog is loving all this time curled up next to me in the studio, though. (When I first got her, from a rescue shelter, I promptly went out and bought a giant new couch so she could lie down right next to me when I worked. Rescuing her was the best thing I ever did, but buying this couch was a close second. It has seen a lot of doggy cuddle time, creativity, and bipolar madness, and held us through it all. Shortly after, I also bought a different car, so doggy would be more comfortable on our road trips. It, too, has seen a lot of mess since then.)

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: depressed
Created: YA horror

Still feeling very negative about life, and still really sick, but I've been taking OTC cold meds and sleeping a lot, and I can tell that is helping. Today I had a long phone call with one of my BFFs, despite my hatred of the phone and lack of voice, and a few nice text exchanges with others, and managed to write a good chunk of February's project, which is a (different) YA horror novel. I hope to finish the first draft by the end of the month, but it may be longer than I am anticipating, so we'll see.

No movement on the career front, but I have a plan b and now a plan c in place, with a plan d floating out there, so we'll see how it goes.

The weather was warm enough today that I left the outside door to my personal studio open for the dog, and she enjoyed running in and out at whim. We both liked the sun and warm air. I really need to live someplace that doesn't have winter. I wish.

Last night, I was shitty with Partner. We're both super stressed right now, and I made things worse by snapping. I had that under control when I was medicated, but not so much since I've been off the bipolar meds. I really need to figure out a new way to handle it. Tears at random times, whatever, I can't stop those, Partner will just have to deal, but I can work to be kinder.

Found out my sister is moving back to our hometown at least for awhile. I love her and her husband, and love spending time with them, so that is a plus, even if it is stressful for everyone, too. At least I can be useful and help them find a place to live locally. Partner's house is full, and we're allergic to cats, otherwise I'd offer space here to them.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: low
Created: YA horror story

Terrible dreams last night. I had a hard time falling asleep in the first place (I've had insomnia for years, but it gets worse and worse as I get older and especially now that I'm off my meds), and when I did, I dreamt terrible things. The two parts I remember involved my dog eating Partner's mom's tiny little puppy (which is more than likely to happen; my dog is even more antisocial with other dogs than I am with humans), and then I dreamt that my dog hopped into a full bathtub of water (highly unlikely, at least not willingly) and then died, by becoming a frozen statue that I couldn't bring back to life no matter how much I tried.

I woke from that terrified and disturbed and nauseous, and have spent a huge part of today cuddling my dog to try to shake that feeling. To no avail, unfortunately.

This left me in a bad mood all day, and feeling like absolutely crap. Or at least, it left me in a bad moon, and I also feel like crap, my sinuses sore, my head stuffed up, and my throat rough, like something is caught in it. So that's fun.

I hope tomorrow will be better.