bipolar366 | Recent Entries

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

I'm crashing toward depression again, I think. I'm also exhausted. Maybe this isn't actually a depressive crash, but just too little sleep, insomnia catching up with me hard. Either way, I feel like crap. Like I am going to fail at everything and will never create anything worthwhile ever again.

Lost all my energy to my rage earlier this week, I guess. Fun.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

Haven't made it to pottery this week due to meetings running long. Enjoying the new job, but also feeling overwhelmed. Frustrated by my lack of progress at the wheel; last week, I had a bad class, and then haven't been able to go back since. A bunch of my friends started taking pottery classes after I did, and they are all a billion times better than me already, which on the one hand is wonderful, because I love seeing my friends succeed, and on the other hand makes me want to quit because damn, why am I not better? I am far too critical of my own work, but at the same time, I want to do better, and I'm not learning anything, and my skills are slipping through my fingers. Literally, because clay.

Ugh. Brain is not doing so hot tonight, even though it's been a good week and tonight in particular included a wonderful gathering of friends.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: angry
Created: paranormal romance

Well, a good dose of rage will do something to a mixed state. Nothing good. When I was younger, I took boxing classes to help with my anger, and I am missing that today. At least now I've managed to bite back my initial response, which was needlessly cruel. I still haven't tamped the anger down to a place where I can actually respond, but at least I knew better than to let myself immediately respond. I couldn't have done that ten years ago, and I'm glad I'm to a point where I can control that better, and especially to be at a point where I recognize what I'm doing, when I'm interpreting a scene badly, when my brain is making things worse.

None of that really helps with my fury at the moment, but at least I'm not lashing out in rage. It will eventually settle, and I can decide then what to do about this bullshit.

I'm managing this still unmedicated. So glad for the treatment I've received.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted, crashing
Created: paranormal romance

I am fighting off a depression crash as best I can, particularly without meds. I've been struggling to create things, both pottery and writing, and I am stressed about tough situations for my friends and family. I am also struggling with patience and empathy and a friend acting in a way that feels very passive-aggressive. On top of that, I am dealing with professional envy about one of my friends who is also a writer. It is a rough place, in my brain.

I am going to focus on my writing and, tomorrow, on pottery, and keep taking it one minute at a time. That's all I can manage at the moment. I guess that's enough.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance, pottery

Did not sleep well last night. Struggled today. Lots of problems popping up at work with no easy solutions; I hate having projects linger without making progress, but that's part of the job at this point. Still, it left me uneasy, and that, coupled with my exhaustion, led to a terrible session in the pottery studio. Nothing came off the wheel without breaking, and I was incredibly frustrated at myself for failing. And then I felt bad because my teacher felt bad because I felt bad -- what a mess. I didn't have enough strength left to ease her through it. It's okay for me to feel bad sometimes. It happens.

A friend of mine is struggling with loneliness and depression right now, and I am worried. They don't want to pursue treatment for the depression; their theory is that if they fix the areas in life that have gone wrong (particularly romance), the depression will go away. Plus they're tired of fighting and trying to make things better. I understand that feeling so well, but I wish they would even consider treatment. I know loneliness is terrible and can hurt, and they've been through a lot of shit over the past few years, more than anyone should have to deal with, but treatment would help, even if just for the short term. I don't know why they're so against it. I listen, but I don't understand.

And I am scared for them.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

Not sure why I haven't been posting. I keep meaning to do so, but by the end of the day, I'm exhausted and it slips my mind. I need to figure out a different way to manage this, I guess. Work has been difficult, but satisfying, and a lesson on communication and honesty and clarity. Writing is going slow, but also satisfying, and I continue to make a little progress every day. I'm also doing better at relaxing if there are days when I can't write. In February, that was most days, and I was stressed. In April, I'm writing most days, and when I can't, I let myself off the hook. It is difficult, but better for me, and I know it.

Partner is watching Transformers: Age of Extinction, which is ridiculous as hell, but kind of hilarious too.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: good but tired
Created: paranormal romance

After yesterday's emergency, today was smooth and good. Lots of people teasing about the emergency, but I think I handled it pretty well. Did not snap once, and I don't think I got defensive. I try to live by the idea that I should be willing to take responsibility when things go wrong as I work. In this career, often you have to be the bad guy, and I'm okay with that, generally, just still tense in this new position.

Glad the week is almost over, but it's been pretty great overall. I have some really great projects coming up. And some frustrating ones, but that's part of the job too.

Fiction writing continues apace. Still can't believe this damn book is probably twice as long as I thought it was going to be. I mean, that really just moves it from novella to novel, which is probably for the better, but still. STILL. I thought I was almost done, and now I'm not, and that's annoying.

Beautiful, if chilly, drive home. Dad took his trike out for a ride earlier, which is stone cold badass, because it was gray and rainy and uncomfortable all day. I can't wait for riding season, even though I need to do a lot of work on my motorcycle before I can take it out.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: anxious and crashing
Created: paranormal romance

Had a big bad thing happen at the new job. Wasn't my fault, but falls under my area, so I'm responsible. Stressed hard core over it, told Partner I was sure they were going to fire me, nearly in tears, definitely having the beginnings of an anxiety attack, but I kept pushing through it, pushing and pushing, and I've finally come to exhausted acceptance. Shit happens, this happened, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it, not with the mess I've been brought in to fix.

I never reached that point with the last way I tackled this career, not even after years and years, so that's something.

Had lunch yesterday with a dear friend, and we talked a lot about the portrayal of bipolar characters, especially in YA, and how their stories aren't told. She encouraged me to write about it myself, and I am; one of the main characters in the YA BFF and I have been working on the past couple years has bipolar.

Learned two members of my writing group are being brought in as professionals at this writing convention we're all attending later this year, and had a moment of terrible, destructive envy. Moved on.

I guess the lesson here is to just keep pushing through, and eventually I'll hit a point where I can move on. Not from the bipolar, of course, but from everything else.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

Still not dead. Still exhausted and having trouble sleeping. Still moving out of the depression and into something almost even. I would be happy to be even for awhile, but I am still concerned about mania. Life continues, and I keep creating new art, and that helps.

This helps, too. I've missed it.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted
Created: paranormal romance

So much insomnia lately. I am absolutely exhausted. On top of that, with spring settling in and everything in bloom, my sinuses are terrible, and my ear is starting to feel full again. The last thing I need is yet another ear infection.

But instead of that, here are some good things about today: driving into sunset with the music up and the windows down; Partner wrestling with the dog; puppy cuddles the second I get home; ice water so cold it bites at my throat; hilarious writing making me laugh.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: why do I try new things?
Created: paranormal romance, pottery

Everything was less terrible today, but I still feel over my head. Also, I think I am mourning the career I fought so hard for and then had to leave. Still mourning, I should say, because I thought I mourned it once already. (I suppose I'll be mourning it as long as I have to pay off the loans, which will be for life, so.)

Pottery was good. Taking class more often now, but for shorter times, due to the new schedule. Worked on two pieces today, carving and trimming. They'll be fired probably next week; they won't be dry enough for tomorrow's bisque fire. However, I have two other pieces that will be fired, and so I'll be able to glaze by the end of the week. I enjoy glazing. Hope to be on the wheel again either Thursday or next Tuesday, though.

Still haven't finished the first draft of the current novel. So close! Yet not there. This weekend, maybe, though I keep pushing a few hundred more words each day.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: oh god failure at everything
Created: paranormal romance

Started new work today, oh god, am so over my head and people keep saying nice things to me and I can't. I am absolutely sure I am going to fuck this up just like I fucked up my last job. Also, I could not get to sleep last night (mostly stress and anxiety, not standard insomnia, which I have all the time anyway), and I am exhausted. Writing tonight is going terribly slow, but at least I got something done.

Partner made dinner (first bbq of the season!), and brought home champagne and orange juice for me. Partner is awesome, clearly.

All the messages from friends and family saying really nice things, too, and brain does not like it.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: good during the day, crashing at night
Created: casual blogging

Took a break from the frantic writing today to relax with Partner and focus on house stuff. Weather crashed here recently, and my mood has crashed with it. Currently so cold my toes ache. Want to crawl into bed and not move for a few months. At the same time, my insomnia is terrible, and I don't sleep well at all. Good times, good times.

Onward to a new week. Eighty days into 2016.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: good during the day, crashing at night
Created: paranormal romance, supernatural adventure

Lots of writing today, lots of playing with the dog. Drama in Partner's family, and I'm worried about all of them. Did some organizing, did some research about this new career opportunity. Still haven't finished the paranormal romance draft I've been trying to finish this week, but as long as it's done by the end of the month, I'm still on target.

Partner has already gone to bed. I was going to stay up and write more, but exhaustion has swamped me, and I'm considering going to bed too. It was a chilly and gray for a huge part of the day, and that's getting to me, especially after the warm, sunny days we've had lately.

I can't wait to be on bipolar meds again.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: good, nervous, hopeful
Created: paranormal romance, personal essay

Celebrated my dad's 80th birthday today. Wrote the start of an essay about how much that hurt me, because for some reason, it makes him seem old and makes me worry about him.

What I didn't put in is how, during the darkest times of this past bipolar depression crash, I told myself that I had to stay alive as long as he was alive, because he once told me that losing one of his children would kill him. It would be bad enough to hurt my siblings with my suicide, but I couldn't do that to him, and I couldn't take another parent away from them. That is a big reason why I made it through the past couple years since Mom died.

I still have suicidal thoughts, even though I'm coming out of the depression. They are tempting, but I give myself reminders.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: good, nervous, hopeful
Created: paranormal romance

Trying to finish draft one of the paranormal romance before I start a new job next week. We'll see how it goes. It is not what I was doing before the last bipolar crash, but it is an interesting opportunity, and I can learn new things. I like learning new things.

Of course, everyone has made me promise to keep going with the pottery, too, which is sweet.

Have started a written planner again, because I need it when I'm working, and I have missed it. No point in having one when I was so deep in the depression, though. All it did was drag me even farther down, much like I found writing here did some damage in the same way. (Possibly more hurt than help. Still not sure.)

Trying to be positive. Might actually be making it.

Cycle: mixed state
Mood: exhausted but energized
Created: paranormal romance, YA supernatural adventure

Writing continues apace; I've just hit 100k for the year, and am about to finish the first draft of a new novel. (Well, it's more like a novella at this point, but I think it will gain a lot more in draft two.) More bad career news, but I have another opportunity that I am going to try. It is not the career I spent so many years and so much time and energy and money pursuing, but it is work, and that is something I need. (It is also health insurance, which I also need.)

I am feeling positive, but also sad. I think I am mourning the career. This feels like the end. I know, logically, it doesn't have to be the end, but that is how it feels, and now I have to deal with that.

I think I've moved out of the depression into a mixed state. That is somewhat of an improvement.

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: nada

Travel day today, so I didn't get any creating things done, though I worked out a couple plot holes in a couple different projects. Yesterday, I more than doubled my expected word count, and wrote well into the night. Today, I am talkative and energetic. I think I feel mania coming on, which can be dangerous, but can also be harnessed, at least a little. I might be able to knock out a good chunk of the paranormal romance book out after all. Go team me.

Feeling slightly more positive, too, and definitely like all the walking around I've done. I need to get back to tracking that again. It helps.

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: paranormal romance

Still deeply depressed, but I have had a positive few days, mostly. Good times with friends, lots of time walking in nice weather. A ton of writing; I'm about 1/5 of the way through the current paranormal romance project (draft one), and it is a ton of fun to write. I finally sent it to BFF to read what I have so far, and she seems to like it.

The past couple days involved friends, as I said, and good food, and a pretty lake, and hockey, and gifts, and lots of pottery talk. Partner sent me a picture of the dog last night, because I love getting pictures of her when I'm away.

Depressed, but life is good. Trying to be positive and enjoy it.

Cycle: depression
Mood: depressed
Created: paranormal romance

Less than two hours sleep, been up for more than 15 hours so far, no end in sight. Super depressed, frustrated, and constantly about thirty seconds from leaping in front of a bus. Trip is going well, clearly.